Depressing day

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Today started out as most of my days do.  I woke up and read a little bit (ok, about an hour and a half) before getting out of bed.  Then, I got up, got on the pute and played all day - most of the day.

I sent out a couple of resumes - why, I don't know, but I did.  I am starting to be very, very discouraged over this job search.  How can there be so many jobs in the papers, on the pute (in my email, etc.) but it's been over a year and nary a job in my field to be found?  I just don't get it?  Very few interviews, next to no phone calls (except from companies wanting to put you "on their books" to find you a job downtown), and I just cannot do that.  I just can't.
I have been feeling such a power of nothingness in my life these last couple of days.  I feel that I am pretty much nothing at this point.  I'm a lousy housewife; I'm definitely not much of a helpmate to Ron; I'm not much of a help to family members due to lack of extra money; I'm not much OF anything, it seems to me right now. I'm drowning in nothingness!

For my lunch, I had my chicken salad and 2 servings of sunflower seeds.  At 4, I got the spaghetti out of the fridge to get to room temperature, so we could have that for supper.  I did have a phone interview this afternoon, which I thought was going real well, until she started asking me about my attendance and tardiness.  OK, Lady, I've been unemployed for a year, and I don't remember how the hell many days I missed or was tardy my last year of work!!!  But she pressed me and pressed me for a number, so from there, I just got a 'doomed' feeling - I guess it was in her voice.  I felt that not knowing those specific numbers blew the whole thing.
I think, if I don't hear something back from her by Monday, I may go ahead and file for disability.  Why the hell not?  How many signs do I need?

When Ron got home, he was frozen to the core, and was telling me that he had to go to Butler (KY) tomorrow to get a truck, because his is down again (his garbage truck, not his personal).  He was NOT happy about that, because more snow is suppose to come tonight (and, yes, it has started).  I just started crying my eyes out.  I had promised myself that I wouldn't let him see how I was feeling today, and when I "saw" how miserable he was about having to go to work in the cold and snow tomorrow, I just lost it because I can't do anything for him.  He works SO hard, day in and day out!  I just don't know what to do anymore, about anything.  I turned off the pute and went and laid in on the bed and just cried and cried and cried.  After a bit, I came back out.  He patted his lap for me to sit on, and we had a nice long talk - "we'll get through it" - and then we just watched TV all evening.  Him, of course, through his eyelids  LOL.  We did have our spaghetti for supper, even though he said he wasn't hungry.  The man HAS to eat!!  I truly wasn't hungry, but ate so he would.  So - the spaghetti is gone!  He went to bed, as usual, at 10, and here I am, watching the news.

My big plans for tomorrow is to get to work on some projects I keep saying I'm going to do and haven't done yet.  One - I got a big ol' collage picture frame for Christmas and I'm gonna get pictures in it and get it hung on the hall wall.  Two - I'm going to start in on cleaning off my desk (once again) and sorting and putting away papers in the library.  Those are the projects I'm going to get started on tomorrow - after those, I'll find others.  Lofty goals, maybe, but you gotta start somewhere.  And every journey starts with a single step.

When I put my food into MFP, I was over 600 calories short for the day, but - you know what?  I don't care.  I have a nut bar on my nightstand, just in case.  Have had, for a long time.  If nothing else, today was good for killing my appetite.  I sure didn't have the urge to snack - I didn't have the urge to do anything!